Call The Plumber..

Call the Plumber..

By

 Vivek Hande

Blessed are the folks who clear their bowels clean and satisfactorily in one go and are happy and light the rest of the day…

 This is not a frivolous statement . Constipation is serious matter and affects large numbers of people and can spoil your day and make your existence miserable. Espepcially in a gut-centric  society like ours , it is very important to get this matter sorted  to its logical conclusion.  I have many patients who have varying degrees of this problem  and life does seem to revolve around this issue for better or worse.

I am an honorary member of this club and I have many patients who try their own brand of remedies and pass it on for the benefit of others .  There is a grizzly old veteran who has tried everything under the sun and moon . He told me once that the amount spent on his laxatives over the years was probably more than the GDP of Finland and Hungary put together.  Another retired senior Government Offical  told me that he is redecorating his toilet. He told me that since I was not really helping his cause and he continued to spend about four hours in the toilet each day he was planning some changes . He said he had installed a  1.5 Ton Air – Conditioner and a 42 inch LCD Television in the loo. He was seriously considering arranging a Mini- Bar too…

 Another lady told me that  with the amount she had invested in Prunes and Flax and Sesame  seeds and Lemon juice with coriander; warm water with honey ;  cold tea with molasses and a million other remedies , she could have bought a flat in Cuffe Parade! Another gentleman told me that none of my prescribed medicines helped him much – he said all the Lactulose and Dulcolax and Liquid Paraffin in the world had not helped him. He told me that on my  insistence he had stepped  up his fiber  and fruit intake each day and half his pension was being spent on the enhanced fiber intake but to no avail. He also told me that he was almost feeling like a fruit orchard himself.He did tell me that he had finally found his own cost effective remedy and that was helping him enormously. He was a changed man and looked extremely chirpy the last time he visited me. I believe his secret recipe which he strongly urged me to pass on to others was to listen to The Rolling Stones at full blast at 5AM. He insisted it produced dramatic and explosive results within half hour!

It can affect  ones’ day and behaviour and outlook and many behave in a very unpredictable manner if one is not happy with the “output”. I had a colleague who would not attend classes in the morning because he was suffering from a sense of ‘incomplete evacuation’ till mid morning. I had another colleague whose behaviour was the gauge to his bowel movements. The days he had done well in the loo would translate into cheerful banter and coffee and Samosas for his staff.  On the not so productive mornings , he would be grumpy and crabby and make  everyone around him miserable too.  

There was yet another unhappy gent who asked me if it was all about tubes and the intestines being like coiled up pipes ,why is it that we could not take some tips from the plumber and set the plumbing right. Sadly , there are somethings which help and some which don’t; some who do well and some who do not inspite of all concerted efforts.

Then of course , there is another entity which has nothing to do with the gut. And as  John Ottesen is said to have famously remarked,” Some people are just mentally constipated and could use a brain enema”  And that is an infinitely more difficult entity to treat and is almost beyond any form of known therapy!!

Author: vivekhande

A gastroenterologist who writes from the gut. an observer ; a learner ..

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